Narcissists undermine their life partners, submit infidelity and have extramarital illicit relationships and contacts for an assortment of reasons which reflect different psychodynamic forms:
1. In the mission for narcissistic supply, the substantial narcissist resorts to serial sexual victories.
2. Narcissists are effectively exhausted (they have a low weariness edge) and they have a low resilience for fatigue. Sexual dalliances reduce this pestering and disappointing boredom.
3. Narcissists keep up an island and center of security in their life, however the various measurements of their existence are turbulent, insecure, and erratic. This “twister” development serves numerous passionate needs which I expound upon somewhere else. In this way, a narcissist might be a model representative and seek after a profession way over decades even as he undermines his significant other and misuses their investment funds.
4. Narcissists feel better and critical thus entitled than be exempt from the laws that apply to everyone else and to participate in practices that are disapproved of and considered socially unsatisfactory in others. They dismiss and energetically loathe all constraints and conditions put upon them by their accomplices. They follow up on their driving forces and cravings unrestricted by social traditions and strictures.
5. Marriage, monogamy, and tyke bearing and raising are basic exercises that portray the normal individual. The narcissist feels ransacked of his uniqueness by these interests and constrained into the relationship and into parts -, for example, a spouse and a father – that decrease him to the most minimal of shared factors. This narcissistic damage drives him to revolt and reassert his predominance and exceptionalness by keeping up extramarital issues.
6. Narcissists are control monstrosities. Having a relationship suggests a give-and-take and a prepare of bargains which the narcissist intensely deciphers to mean lost control over his life. To reassert control, the narcissist starts different connections in which he manages the terms of engagement (relationships).
7. Narcissists are alarmed of closeness. Their conduct is best portrayed as an approach-evasion reiteration complex. Infidelity is an excellent apparatus in the endeavor to retard closeness and fall back on a less undermining method of cooperation.
Extensively, there are two sorts of narcissists, freely comparing to the two classes said in the question: the physical narcissist and the cerebral narcissist.
Narcissists are misanthropes. They hold ladies in scorn, they detest and fear them. They try to torment and baffle them (either by degrading them sexually – or by withholding sex from them). They harbor questionable sentiments towards the sexual demonstration.
The physical narcissist utilizes sex to “vanquish” and “secure” new wellsprings of narcissistic supply. Thus, the substantial seldom gets inwardly included with his “objectives”. His is a mechanical demonstration, without closeness and duty. The cerebral narcissist feels that sex is belittling and debasing. Following up on one’s sex drive is a primitive, essential, and regular motivation. The cerebral narcissist persuades himself that he is over all that, blessed as he is with unrivaled insight and superhuman poise.
Still, sex for both sorts of narcissists is an instrument intended to expand the quantity of Sources of Narcissistic Supply. On the off chance that it happens to be the most effective weapon in the narcissist’s stockpile, he makes degenerate utilization of it. At the end of the day: if the narcissist can’t get love, profound respect, endorsement, adulation, or whatever other sort of consideration by different means (e.g., mentally) – he falls back on sex.
He then turn into a satyr (or a nymphomaniac): unpredictably participates in sex with various accomplices. His sex accomplices are considered by him to be articles – wellsprings of Narcissistic Supply. It is through the procedures of fruitful enchantment and sexual victory that the narcissist determines his gravely required narcissistic “fix”.
The narcissist is probably going to ideal his methods of seeking and view his sexual exploits as a type of workmanship. He normally exposes this side of him – in incredible detail – to others, to a group of people, expecting to win their endorsement and reverence. Since the Narcissistic Supply for his situation is in the very demonstration of success and (what he sees to be) subordination – the narcissist is compelled to bounce starting with one accomplice then onto the next.
A few narcissists favor “confused” circumstances. On the off chance that men – they incline toward virgins, wedded ladies, sub zero or lesbian ladies, and so on. The more “troublesome” the objective – the all the more remunerating the narcissistic result. Such a narcissist might be hitched, however he doesn’t view his extra-conjugal undertakings as either indecent or a break of any explicit or verifiable contract amongst him and his companion.
He continues explaining to any individual who considerations to listen that his other sexual accomplices are nothing to him, unimportant, that he is just exploiting them and that they don’t constitute a danger and ought not be considered important by his companion. In his mind a reasonable partition exists between the genuine “lady of his life” (truly, a holy person) and the prostitutes that he is engaging in sexual relations with.
With the exception of the important ladies throughout his life, he tends to view all females in a terrible light. His conduct, accordingly, accomplishes a double reason: securing Narcissistic Supply, from one viewpoint – and re-authorizing old, uncertain clashes and injuries (deserting by Primary Objects and the Oedipal strife, for example).
At the point when unavoidably deserted by his life partner – the narcissist is veritably stunned and harmed. This is the kind of emergency, which may drive him to psychotherapy. Still, somewhere inside, he feels constrained to keep on pursueing decisively a similar way. His relinquishment is cathartic, decontaminating. Taking after a time of profound despondency and self-destructive ideation – the narcissist is probably going to feel rinsed, strengthened, unshackled, prepared for the next round of chasing.
In any case, there is another kind of narcissist. He likewise has episodes of sexual hyperactivity in which he exchanges sexual accomplices and tends to see them as articles. However, with him, this is an optional conduct. It shows up mostly after major narcissistic injuries and emergencies.
An excruciating separation, a staggering individual monetary change – and this sort of narcissist receives the view that the “old” (scholarly) arrangements don’t work any longer. He wildly grabs and looks for new ways to attract consideration, to reestablish his False Ego (=his pretentiousness) and to secure a subsistence level of Narcissistic Supply.
Sex is helpful and is an extraordinary wellspring of the correct sort of supply: it is prompt, sexual accomplices are exchangeable, the arrangement is extensive (it incorporates every one of the parts of the narcissist’s being), regular, exceptionally charged, audacious, and pleasurable. In this manner, taking after an existence emergency, the cerebral narcissist is probably going to be profoundly required in sexual exercises – every now and again and practically to the exclusion of every other matter.
However, as the recollections of the emergency blur, as the narcissistic injuries recuperate, as the Narcissistic Cycle re-begins and the adjust is reestablished – this second sort of narcissist uncovers his genuine nature. He unexpectedly loses enthusiasm for sex and in all his sexual accomplices. The recurrence of his sexual exercises falls apart from a couple times each day – to a couple times each year. He returns to scholarly interests, sports, legislative issues, willful exercises – anything besides sex.
This sort of narcissist fears experiences with the inverse sex and is significantly more anxious of passionate association or responsibility that he fancies himself inclined to create taking after a sexual experience. As a rule, such a narcissist pulls back sexually – as well as inwardly. On the off chance that wedded – he loses all clear enthusiasm for his companion, sexual or something else. He limits himself to his reality and ensures that he is adequately occupied to block any communication with his closest (and as far as anyone knows dearest).
He turns out to be totally submerged in “huge activities”, deep rooted plans, a dream, or a cause – all exceptionally remunerating narcissistically and all extremely requesting and tedious. In such conditions, sex unavoidably turns into a commitment, a need, or an upkeep errand reluctantly embraced to protect his wellsprings of supply (his family or family).
The cerebral narcissist detests sex and by a long shot lean towards masturbation or “goal”, emotionless sex, such as going to whores. Really, he utilizes his mate or companion as a “plausible excuse”, a shield against the considerations of other ladies, a protection approach which safeguards his virile picture while making it socially and ethically excellent for him to keep away from any cozy or sexual contact with others.
Conspicuously disregarding ladies other than his better half (a type of animosity) he feels noble in saying: “I am a reliable spouse”. In the meantime, he feels antagonistic vibe towards his life partner for apparently keeping him from uninhibitedly expressing his sexuality, for separating him from bodily delights.
The narcissist’s defeated rationale goes something like this: “I am hitched/connected to this lady. Accordingly, I am not permitted to be in any type of contact with other ladies which may be translated as more than easygoing or professional. This is the reason I forgo having anything to do with ladies – in light of the fact that I am being reliable, rather than most other indecent men.
However, I don’t care for this circumstance. I begrudge my free associates. They can have as much sex and sentiment as they need to – while I am bound to this marriage, affixed by my better half, my flexibility controlled. I am irate at her and I will rebuff her by going without having intercourse with her.”
In this way baffled, the narcissist limits all way of intercourse with his nearby circle (life partner, youngsters, guardians, kin, extremely suggest companions): sexual, verbal, or enthusiastic. He restricts himself to the rawest exchanges of data and secludes himself socially.
His withdrawn lifestyle protects against a future hurt and evades the closeness that he so fears. Be that as it may, once more, along these lines he additionally secures relinquishment and the replay of old, uncertain, clashes. At long last, he truly is allowed to sit unbothered by everybody, with no Secondary Sources of Supply.
In his mission to discover new sources, he again leaves on conscience retouching episodes of sex, trailed by the determination of a companion or a mate (a Secondary Narcissistic Supply Source). At that point the cycle re-start: a sharp drop in sexual movement, passionate nonattendance and pitiless separation prompting surrender.
The second kind of narcissist is generally sexually faithful to his companion. He interchanges between what seems, by all accounts, to be hyper-sexuality and asexuality (truly, powerfully curbed sexuality). In the second stage, he feels no sexual urges, bar the most fundamental. He is, in this manner, not constrained to “cheat” upon his mate, sell out her, or abuse the conjugal promises. He is a great deal more keen on keeping a troubling lessening of the sort of Narcissistic Supply that truly matters. Sex, he says to himself, cheerily, is for the individuals who can do no better.
Physical narcissists keep an eye on verbal exhibitionism. They tend to boast in realistic insights about their successes and exploits. In extreme cases, they may present “live witnesses” and return to aggregate, traditional exhibitionism. This sits well with their propensity to “generalize” their sexual accomplices, to take part in inwardly nonpartisan sex (aggregate sex, for example) and to enjoy autoerotic sex.
The exhibitionist sees himself reflected according to the spectators. This constitutes the principle sexual jolt, this is the thing that turns him on. This outside “look” is additionally what characterizes the narcissist. There will undoubtedly be an association. One (the exhibitionist) might be the zenith, the “immaculate case” of the other (the narcissist).